Best and worst place of my life

[bryanchurch06]

I'm not looking for pity, it helps sometimes to write your thoughts down and share them with a friend, right now this forum is the only friend I have. Ok so I'm in the best position financially I've ever been in, within reason I can have anything I want, no bills crushing me, food anytime I want, shelter and clothing provided all this with no effort on my part at all. That's the problem for me for the last couple years since retirement I've lived on the money my wife has which has put me emotionally, spiritually and physically in the worst condition of my life. Seems that everything I need to do to fix the problems requires motivation and discipline, easy when your young and hungry much harder when you're old, fat and kept in a nice cage, metaphorically speaking. I need to lose weight to fix my knees but the food is plentiful and tasty, I need to get off my ass and work in my storage unit but the couch is comfortable and air conditioning. I know I sound like a fool complaining when so many people in the world are suffering and I've spent my time at the bottom of the barrel with 60 and 80 hr weeks trying to keep up with the needs of a wife and daughter but in a way that was easier I didn't have a choice I had to make it work because nobody else was going to pay my bills or feed my family. Maybe I'm just a fool who can't be happy no matter what, but how can life be harder when you're not suffering? Hard times make hard men, easy times make weak men, weak men make hard times. Careful what you wish for gentlemen sometimes its the worst thing for you.

 

[m in sc]

IMHO get a part time job or volunteer. you may not need the money but daily purpose has great value.

 

[bryanchurch06]

IMHO get a part time job or volunteer. you may not need the money but daily purpose has great value.

Your absolutely correct, life has gotten much worse since I retired from corrections. My issue currently is my knees have gotten so bad that walking for any distance or standing is not happening. I've tried volunteering at the prison where I used to work and they turned me down do to physical condition. For now I'm stuck in place for lack of a better term.

 

[MonotoneCulprit]

Agreed on a place of purpose, but also want to stress having a Third Place. Right now you only have one place. Which is home. Ideally you should have 3 places, one is home, two is work (or volunteering), and the third place should be a place that "offers stress relief from the everyday demands of both home and work". Third places are characterized as having the following key characteristics: they are a neutral ground (Everyone welcome regardless of outside factors), they are a leveler (socioeconomic status doesn't matter here), conversation is a main activity, accessibility and accomodation, they have "Regulars" who set the tone of the place, they are low profile, their mood is generally playful, and they are a home away from home (you feel warm and comfortable, you feel attached to the place but not stressed by it).

Third places are often churches, cafes, clubs, public libraries, gyms, bookstores, stoops, and parks.

This is a long established theory in Sociology that is influential enough that cities are often designed to provide many third places to their residents. In fact, the reason Starbucks lets you stay there for hours on end and get free refills is that they believe establishing themselves as a Third Place is a good business tactic that will make stepping into a Starbucks feel familiar, inviting, and comfortable. Just my 2 cents here.

Side Note: Therapy is great. It could help you figure out where your head is at.

 

[Cardinal Direction]

Side Note: Therapy is great. It could help you figure out where your head is at.

Side note:

Just putting this out there because a lot of people in the military seem to think that seeing a therapist is for “crazy” people. Therapy is great, people need to understand it’s more like an oil change for your brain and not something exclusively used for those with mental or emotional distress.

 

[bryanchurch06]

I have to agree with you, from an early age I was taught to suck it up and keep going. Which in a way is part of my health problems now, the joints I've worn out are knees, hips and hands. I should have addressed these issues yrs ago but I don't go to the doctor if I can avoid it, can't tell you how many times I've used electrical tape on a cut that should have been stitched up. I honestly believe that not having the stress of the job is my mental issue, coupled with the gradual loss of my mobility which is freedom and independence is the rest of the issue. I probably won't see a psychiatrist if I'm honest, just like I'll drag out the surgery as long as possible, doesn't make any sense I know but that's just who I am and ultimately the only one I'm hurting is myself.

 

[dmonkey]

You're doing well just putting your thoughts together. There are many forms of therapy, professionally guided therapy can be great, but not for everyone.
Physical therapy is something that has improved my quality of life many times. If you haven't already given that a try but have the finances, insurance, time, motivation, etc. I'd highly recommend it.

 

[bryanchurch06]

You're doing well just putting your thoughts together. There are many forms of therapy, professionally guided therapy can be great, but not for everyone.
Physical therapy is something that has improved my quality of life many times. If you haven't already given that a try but have the finances, insurance, time, motivation, etc. I'd highly recommend it.

Thanks I've had injections that help for a while but after awhile they lose effectiveness. I'm fighting 2 different joint problems, 1st just wear and tear damaged which is affecting my knees, 2nd is inflammatory arthritis which affects knees, hips and hand joints. I've found that my diet greatly affects the inflammatory effects. So fast food, Sweets and processed carbs cause a lot of pain while switching to a keto or carnivore style diet for 2 weeks makes an unbelievable difference in the inflammatory pain which also seems to even help a bit with the wear and tear pain. So obviously I should just stay on the diet, which also help with weight loss so win win right? It's also one of the hardest diets for me to follow because of the discipline involved with basically eating the same meal every day. Then add in my wife who's a foodie and loves to eat, and most depressed people either drink or eat comfort foods. I quit drinking and turned to carbs, safer for all concerned. I know I'm complaining about an ridiculous issue that only affects me and wallowing in self pity is a self fulfilling prophecy but it just is the case right now, I think being told to stay off the bikes was the last straw for me. I will overcome this, just another bump in the road I'm sure just don't see it yet.

 

[bryanchurch06]

I called the VA and spoke with a counselor, it's seems that for most of my life I've based my identity on my physical abilities and over time as those abilities changed and disappeared so did my identity. According to him I'm having a hard transition from an hard-core physical identity to a more philosophical older identity. So much of our identity and personality is based on physical activity and respect from our peers based on those abilities. I don't remember the movie but there's a quote that says the worst part about growing old is other men no longer see you as dangerous or capable. I took exception on the cdt when another rider inferred I was holding him up or he felt he had to help and take care of me, that hurt my pride and ego and I'm afraid I wasn't very nice to him afterwards. Pride and ego is a dangerous thing in an old man I suppose. Thanks to you guys for putting up with my rambling thoughts as I work thru this, my best wishes to you all

 

[Kev250R]

I called the VA and spoke with a counselor, it's seems that for most of my life I've based my identity on my physical abilities and over time as those abilities changed and disappeared so did my identity. According to him I'm having a hard transition from an hard-core physical identity to a more philosophical older identity. So much of our identity and personality is based on physical activity and respect from our peers based on those abilities. I don't remember the movie but there's a quote that says the worst part about growing old is other men no longer see you as dangerous or capable. I took exception on the cdt when another rider inferred I was holding him up or he felt he had to help and take care of me, that hurt my pride and ego and I'm afraid I wasn't very nice to him afterwards. Pride and ego is a dangerous thing in an old man I suppose. Thanks to you guys for putting up with my rambling thoughts as I work thru this, my best wishes to you all

I'm late to replying to this thread but have been following it.

I'm glad you reached-out for help, both on this forum and to a professional; there's no shame in that. As someone who struggles with Depression from time-to-time, getting an outside perspective can be a real help.

As others have suggested you may want to find some volunteer activity to give you something to do/look-forward to. I'm sorry that the Prison you used to work at won't let you volunteer there, but there has to be other places. A retired friend of mine used to be a Docent at a local museum, another retired friend sorted donated goods at our Church.

Even just getting-out once a week for a local car or bike show would give you something to look-forward to and allow you to make new friends. Every Saturday morning I attend a local 'Cars & Coffee' gathering not far from my house. Most of the guys there are retired. Many of them get together during the week to work on stuff or go look at cars or just hang-out. Something like that may be very beneficial to you and will help to keep you active.

Good luck and never stop thinking/planning your next trip or adventure! I'm a firm believer that boredom kills a lot more people then any disease ever has.

 

[Cardinal Direction]

Even just beyond having “identity” linked to your physical ability, your mental wellbeing is invariably connected to your physical wellbeing. It’s hard to not be able to do the things you love or want to do because of physical limitations, and it requires a lot of mental work and discipline to wire your brain to think differently about it. I had a work related injury early in my career that has affected my dexterity one hand. Now, at age 30, I find it hard to tie things which is exceptionally irritating when I’m trying to fly fish. But at the end of the day growing older is a privilege denied to many. My buddy never made 31. Not to limit or discount the way you are feeling, like I said this is extremely difficult, just trying to add some perspective.

 

[oldskool]

To do something for 30 or 40 years, having done it well and having earned a reputation among your peers it does become ingrained in the very fabric of who we are. The loss of that aspect of oneself can be profound. As others have said you have to move on and use what you can to continue to contribute to the pack. One day at a time, keep moving as best you can.

 

[TRF90]

You're in a difficult part of the journey, for sure. Prayers for you that you can sort it out and come to a more livable framework. That third place idea is a pretty good one, I think.

 

[Tchap]

Dude. I guess first I’d like to say thanks for sharing. That alone takes some guts. Also, I get my healthcare from the VA, and my experience with their mental health treatment has been excellent. That 3rd place which monotone spoke of…you do have that here. I took part in a group DBT therapy program online, through the VA, and it was really meaningful to me. Very supportive atmosphere, and I actually made lasting friendships. Could be another 3rd place resource.

 

[bryanchurch06]

Update
For everyone who's reached out to me with your responses I really appreciate it, I'm working really hard on the mental health side of my life instead of just the physical challenges I'm facing. The hardest part has been admiting my struggles and talking about them, that's where you guys have really helped. I now realize thru research and speaking with trained professionals and your input that I've been battling severe depression and it's been harder to fight than the physical issues by far. As someone who's never dealt with depression before and probably would have mocked it 10 yrs ago I am realizing just how crippling it is and why so many people just give up from it. I'm working very hard to understand it and develop a plan to beat it, thanks again to everyone for your understanding and support, I know this isn't trail 125 related and isn't the coolest subject. If anyone who's having these problems and maybe doesn't understand what's happening or why they suddenly don't seem to have control over their lives anymore, please seek help, your not alone or less of a man for asking for help. If I can help you in any way please reach out. I'm not a particularly religious person but I've found prayer helps so if you not tried it maybe just start thanking God for your life, especially the parts that suck right now its very powerful spiritually or has been for me. Best wishes to everyone, Bryan Church